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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 17:47:48 GMT -5
Post by wtfhoward on Apr 18, 2013 17:47:48 GMT -5
What's it about?
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 17:59:47 GMT -5
Post by Chidorifool101 on Apr 18, 2013 17:59:47 GMT -5
WWI.
I have to write a 5-paragraph essay just on one quote by Winston Churchill.
It's torture.
Somehow I managed to get almost a paragraph. I'm on the last sentence of the first paragraph.
woo
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 19:45:55 GMT -5
Post by kueller917 on Apr 18, 2013 19:45:55 GMT -5
Brainstorm ideas on paper, even if they're bullshit.
Fill in the blanks.
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 19:51:10 GMT -5
Post by Chidorifool101 on Apr 18, 2013 19:51:10 GMT -5
Well, I managed to get an outline of how I will structure all of my paragraphs. I have some notes, which could be considered as the brainstormed ideas. The introductory paragraph is done, if any of you guys would be willing to read it over... ._. but thank you guys, again, for always caring about my essays and me   |
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 20:48:18 GMT -5
Post by kueller917 on Apr 18, 2013 20:48:18 GMT -5
I don't mind. I don't have much work today.
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 21:22:54 GMT -5
Post by Chidorifool101 on Apr 18, 2013 21:22:54 GMT -5
Oh, well thank you :3
Here is the first paragraph...
After World War I ended, a British Naval Secretary, Winston Churchill, had said that, "Victory has been bought so dear as to be indistinguishable from defeat." This meant that even though victory arose, many aspects of the war seemed to have made defeat appear more prominent, therefore canceling out the values of triumph. This represented a Pyrrhic victory. The Allies- composed mainly of Great Britain, France, Russia, and the U.S.- had won WWI, though many effects from the battles they fought in and the unstable conditions their countries were left in afterwards, diminished all sense of success for them. Churchill was trying to address this in his quote.
It's brief but gets to the point.. I think. maybe.
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 21:57:32 GMT -5
Post by kueller917 on Apr 18, 2013 21:57:32 GMT -5
Actually quite good, nothing really standing out as a flaw. The last sentence is rather unnecessary, that's all I'll say.
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 22:06:33 GMT -5
Post by wtfhoward on Apr 18, 2013 22:06:33 GMT -5
The wording "victory arose" seems odd. Try "victory was won" or something to that effect. Also the second to last sentence is weird too, I'd do, "Though the Allies, composed mainly of Britain, France, etc., had won WWI,many effects from the battle they fought and the instability of their countries afterward had diminished all sense of success for them."
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 22:29:18 GMT -5
Post by Chidorifool101 on Apr 18, 2013 22:29:18 GMT -5
Thank you guys for your feedback! I changed a couple things around so it looks a bit better. I'm about done with my second paragraph. So if it's still no trouble, could you guys look it over, please? ._. here it is (again you don't have to read it over if you don't want to...): One of the components that enhanced the image of defeat, that Churchill was implying, was the Lost Generation. This was a generation reaching maturity who of many lost their lives in WWI, fighting for their country. There was also those who had fought in the War, but once returned home, were not able to fulfill a normal life because their innocence was taken from them by all that they've experienced and seen as a soldier. An example of the Lost Generation, is that France had lost 20% of its men from ages 20 to 44. This had left their country vulnerable no matter the sovereignty they might have obtained from winning the war with its fellow Allies. Along with the casualties of the Great War (WWI), there had also been a great shortage of supplies in many nations that deprived them of their eminence, as well. you can see in the last sentence that I'm leading/"flowing" into the next paragraph's topic. yeah. |
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 22:36:21 GMT -5
Post by kueller917 on Apr 18, 2013 22:36:21 GMT -5
Sentence structure is a bit drawn out. The content is fine but it feels like the wording gets overcomplicated at times.
For the first sentence I'm bit a confused. The Lost Generation being a component "enhancing the image" makes it seem more like it was something that was already there. Something along the lines of "symbol" or "prime example" of Churchill's quote could fit better.
Also paragraph flow works better if you start the transition on the 2nd paragraph.
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 23:03:48 GMT -5
Post by Chidorifool101 on Apr 18, 2013 23:03:48 GMT -5
Good things you pointed out there, K! I made some arrangements c: I'm done for the night! I'm going to write the last three paragraphs either Saturday or Sunday. Thank you guys again for helping me out with my essays! It means so much to me :3 Goodnight |
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 23:12:55 GMT -5
Post by wtfhoward on Apr 18, 2013 23:12:55 GMT -5
no comma after defeat, i believe it's many of whom, the fighting for their country bit is needless,no comma after generation, i'm not sure what sovereignty means here, as well is unneeded.
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PBB '12
Apr 18, 2013 23:23:36 GMT -5
Post by Chidorifool101 on Apr 18, 2013 23:23:36 GMT -5
Just made the changes thank you Em :3 And hopefully you guys don't mind me changing my avatars constantly. I've been testing my newly made ones out |
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PBB '12
Apr 19, 2013 17:46:57 GMT -5
Post by Princess of Promise on Apr 19, 2013 17:46:57 GMT -5
that moment when you realize that you absolutely cannot draw that ONE PERSON  |
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PBB '12
Apr 19, 2013 22:20:52 GMT -5
Post by Chidorifool101 on Apr 19, 2013 22:20:52 GMT -5
Jared giving you trouble?  --- Well, the Boston Marathon suspect was finally caught. My beautiful Bostonians are parading the streets with joyful cheers, and sweet prayers are said to all that were involved.  I'm glad people don't have to worry for another night; it was actually just starting to get to me today. yeah |
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